January 24th

My heart is broken tonight.  Sara called about 5:00 p.m. to let me know that she had just told Nathan that she was going forward with the divorce.  I had hoped that with serving Nathan all these months that she would learn to love him again but I guess that is not the case.  We have seen it coming.  Sara would not answer most of the family texts offering to talk or help her.  Nathan has been texting me for more than two months asking me how to get Sara to talk to him and love him

Max and Ellie on Koda

.  I probably gave him the wrong advice because I have been telling him how to talk to her so that she will feel loved.  I have been anguishing on how to help Sara see that Nathan needed a wife right now.  When we came down at Christmas it was evident that Sara was willing to work for Nathan's care but she did not want to be a wife.  She said that she still wanted to advocate for Nathan and that we were welcome to come stay at the house but I don't see how she can be Nathan's advocate when she is not his wife and though she has moved on in her emotions it will be hard for Nathan for a long time to be able to be with her without having a hard time. And though I know that I should be able to do that, I don't know how to say let's just be friends yet.  He has had a hard time with his emotions since the stoke anyway.  Jacob said that he cried and was upset for about 2 hours after she left yesterday.  Luckily Jacob had decided to go visit him this weekend because he had some time off and was there to try to comfort him after "she ripped his heart out" as Jacob said.  He said that the Bishop was there and that they were able to give him a blessing so hopefully that will bring Nathan some comfort but Jacob said Nathan pretty much felt like he had nothing left tonight.

It is hard for me when anyone gets a divorce.  I stayed with John when I could not find any love for him in my heart after he was unfaithful and rude and dishonest with me and I feel that if you have the Lord with you to help you and you turn to him for help when things get bad that he can help you do anything.  I learned a long time ago that commitment is more important to a marriage than love.  I know that some would disagree with me but I have also learned by observing others that a divorce does not help you to find the happiness that you are seeking.  It only complicates things for the couple and everyone around them.  But I have also learned that once someone decides that they want a divorce that you cannot talk them out of it.  If you want to work on the relationship and try to make things better that you can always work things out.  I know that if John had not been willing to work with me and stay with me that we would not have been able to hold things together.  I have prayed for so long that Sara would want to try to work things out and that she and Nathan would be able to work together but I know that she has her agency and so that prayer cannot be answered yes.  I am not so nieve to think that Nathan was perfect and that she doesn't have reason to want to leave but I thought maybe the stroke would humble them both enough to change things.,

June and Maren at Mike's Farm

For several months people have asked me how Nathan is and physically he is fine and progressing well but he has been stressing about Sara and he has not always been emotionally well.  He gets upset very easily and cries over lots of things.  He has improved with this over the months but often he would act like a spoiled child.  Lately I see the adult Nathan more and more but it is hard to see him have so many challenges despite how far he has come the last few months. I know that this will not help things but eventually if he turns to the Lord it will work out for his best.  I have a firm testimony of that.

Landon and Gauage at Mikes Farm

I am freezing on Maren house.  The keep their heat at 68 and when I am cold my fibromyalgia is worse.  I have a space heater in my bedroom but it is not enough.  My hands are cold and I am chattering as I write this.  There spare room it really cold anyway because it does not get much of the air and it come in from the ceiling and hot air rises so I think it never gets to the floor.

Landon, Gauge, Evan, Brinlie, Shirley, Ellie, June, Maren taking picture

Max with his knife at Mike's Farm

In the morning today I tended Maren and Landon's kids so they could go to a marriage workshop for the people in his unit that are deploying.  Brinlie and I worked on a pillow kit together that Maren had bought her.  She did a good job sewing but we need to get some different glue because it did not hold like it should even though we followed the instructions.  Guage wanted to teach me how to play the Infinty game they have but he ended up playing it by himself and with Ellie and Brinlie until they were fighting over it so mucy that I made them turn it off.  Ellie painted me a picture and made me a flower out of paper to have.  Max is a typical 18 month old that is into everything.  Throws his food on the floor when he gets done or doesn't want it and wants to be in the middle of everything.  I was trying to help Gauge with a flip track and he kept trying to pick it up or would jump on top of Gauge and grab him by the throat so that he could tackle him.  He thinks nothing of sitting on their dog Koda's head or back and Koda lets him do it with no complaint.  He just gets up if it is bothering him.

About three we tried to take a walk to the park when Maren and Landon got home and we made it but it was really cold so we just stayed a few minutes and then came home.  The park has a lot of the old time play equipment with a big tall slide and a merry go round type spinner.

Max on Koda

We came home and played with the kids for a while and then it was time to meet Landon's parents.  After Sara calling Maren and I didn't feel much like cooking and Maren is really stuffed up and not feeling well.  So we met Landon's parents at a place called Mike's Farm where they have a restaurant that serves a family type meal like they would have served to farm workers back in the early part of the 20th century they put it on the table and everyone pays one price.  There are no choices except for what you want to drink and what you want for dessert and what you decide to eat from the table.  They serve Fried Chicken, Mashed potatoes and gravy, green beans, corn, ham pieces and biscuits with ham inside.  They have different desserts to choose from and you can have two if you want for the price you pay.  I had cheesecake but it was a different type of cheesecake.  It was a fun time with the family even though Ellie and Max got tired.  Max only wanted to eat jam.

They sell Christmas trees on the farm so they also have a gift shop that sells candies and baked goods and a lot of Christmas ornaments and throws and such.  It was really pretty but it was very cold when we went back outside.

Well have to go to bed to get warm.